Stay At Home!

I’m spreading this around…..no idea of the author…

 

As someone with a Masters in disease control, you can only imagine the sheer hell on earth that this is for me at the moment.
From Chantelle who has impressively made the leap from bath bomb retailer to consultant virologist in a matter of weeks and can tell you exactly why the government and their experts are wrong, to Bob who claims to have secret intel from a secret government group on the secret programme of secret treatment measures that the government are definitely bringing in at 3pm next Thursday, only it’s a secret, but he’s posting it online so he feels like 007, to Steve who thinks it’s all a load of bollocks and if he wants to wander round town he bloody well can and why the f*** is ‘spoons shut cos his granddad didn’t fight the nazis for him to be told to stay inside even if pornhub premium is now free for a week.
I tried as hard as I could in my studies and in my work in disease control to avoid viruses like the plague (see what I did there?) because they are absolute bastards. Bacteria are so much easier to control and parasites are positively dreamy. Viruses are utter bastards (did I mention that?) because you can do almost f*** all to them. To deal with viruses you have to deal with the viral vector instead. That’s the weak point for a virus. Its vector. Only in this case the vector is humans, bloody stupid, arsehole humans like Chantelle, Bob and Steve. Viral control is about psychology more than it’s about medicine and that’s what’s scary about it. Giving everyone a pill is easy, getting everyone to listen and change their behaviour is a f***ing nightmare.
The virus is just chugging along being a virus, it’s living it’s best life #livelaughcough. You can’t ignore it out of existence, scaremonger it away or become magically immune by gargling with vinegar, donning a decorating mask or sticking a live frog up your arse and swanning round town like an immortal dickhead. You have to actually do what you’re being told to do. YOU.
YOU. You can stop it. Do what you’re told. Stay the f*** inside. Stop thinking you’re an expert, stop thinking you know best, stop thinking you’re a rebel, stop trying to be a special little cupcake. Be a sheeple. Do what you’ve been asked to do. This is NOT your time to shine sweet cheeks, this isn’t your opportunity to over throw the system and save mankind. It’s your opportunity to sit tight, watch Netflix and save mankind.
The virus does not give a shit about you. You’re just a stepping stone, a host, a nameless, faceless breeding ground and launchpad. All it gives a shit about is reproducing and finding new hosts. Don’t let it. Break the chain. Shut the hell up. Stop spreading fake news, fear and gossip. Let the experts be the experts and do what they tell you because all the googling, all the conspiracy theories, all the spoilt princess routines and all the voodoo bullshit in the world is not going to help you one little bit. This is not about YOUR ego, it’s about OUR survival. So act for the good of us all and do what you’re being asked to do.
Stay inside, protect medical professionals, save lives.